


What Can I Say

by lunabelle



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, Love, Married Couple, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-23
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-23 00:01:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4855637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunabelle/pseuds/lunabelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>April's world comes to a frightening standstill after receiving the worst phone call of her life, forcing her to find a way to hold it together while so easily falling apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Stay With Me

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song "What Can I Say" by Brandi Carlisle. This fic takes place early on in the three year jump between Parks season 6 and 7.

Oh, Lord, what can I say  
I'm so sad since you went away  
Time, time, ticking on me  
Alone is the last place I wanted to be  
Lord, what can I say  


 

He hadn’t seen the incoming car. At least that’s what April was told as she was brought into the emergency room on that snowy morning in December. It was a freak storm; the weathermen weren’t expecting it to be as bad as it was. In an instant, the roads became frozen over with ice and the snow had made driving near impossible.

All she remembered was a phone call at work, and someone telling her to come to the hospital. She had no recollection of being behind the wheel, but someone had to have driven her…Leslie, it must have been Leslie. She’d felt a terrible, crushing feeling in her chest like she was drowning on dry land, and her head felt empty, light and dizzy. 

She kept calling his phone to make sure she wasn’t dreaming, or to be positive there wasn’t a mistake, and someone else hadn’t been in the crash instead. A lot of people worked in the same building as him; there were so many other things going on over there during the day. It was an awful thought, she knew, but she didn’t care. All that mattered to her was seeing her husband and making sure he was all right. The phone would go straight to message every time she called, chipping away at her composure one ring at a time.

She remembered seeing the elevator doors opening at the end of the hall and Ben hurrying out, looking around before he spotted them, and making a beeline toward them in the waiting room. Leslie had taken April in her arms, pulling her close, April completely giving in to her friend’s embrace.

Now, the only solace she had at the moment was the slight pressure of Leslie’s hand squeezing her own. April had refused to let it go, and Leslie wouldn’t pull away. 

“Someone needs to tell me what’s going on,” April said, her voice shaky. “Nobody’s even told me how he is, or where he is…” She turned to look at Leslie. “They just said to wait here and that’s what I’ve been doing for over a half hour.”

“I know, April. I know. Ben went to find someone—“

At that moment, shouting could be heard from an adjacent hallway. April and Leslie turned their heads in the direction of the voice, and Ben appeared around the corner, leading a harassed-looking doctor.

“This is his wife,” Ben was saying angrily, extending his arm out at April. “And she needs someone to tell her exactly what happened. I don’t understand why that’s so difficult to do!” Ben had the frazzled look he only wore once in a while, reserved for the times when his tightly wound exterior finally reached peak stress and unraveled.

The doctor straightened his white coat, and glanced at April before looking at some charts.

“We apologize for keeping you waiting, Mrs. Dwyer,” he said, reading his chart and looking at her. “I’m Dr. Davis, and I’ll be the one operating on your husband this afternoon.”

She didn’t bother to correct the him about her name. Yes, right now she was Mrs. Dwyer. She would always be Mrs. Dwyer, no matter what. Time like these really made things like hyphens and maiden names seem trivial. Times like these, she couldn’t have cared less. She took a deep breath. It didn’t help.

“Did you say he needs an operation? What happened to him, exactly?”

“Your husband was involved in a very serious car accident,” the doctor explained. “His car was hit on the driver’s side while crossing an intersection. It appears that the other driver was going at an elevated speed, and slid on the ice while trying to stop at the intersecting red light.”

April felt her knees go weak and her legs start to fail her, wobbling slightly before Leslie helped to straighten her out and hold her up for support. She still clenched the other woman’s hand.

“Mr. Dwyer sustained several broken ribs, a dislocated shoulder, and a broken leg, among many cuts and abrasions. The most dangerous injury I’m afraid, was one we discovered through a scan when we realized his head had hit the window in the impact. He has a fractured skull, and a minor epidural hematoma, meaning there is a slight build up of blood between his skull and the outer membrane.”

April stared at the man, horrified. She had a million questions, but no idea what to ask. _His brain._ His brain and his head, fracture and blood; all these words swirled together made her feel nauseous. 

“The good news is that we located it quickly, and we can operate soon to remove it. He’s currently unconscious, and we’re prepping him for surgery shortly. He was awake when the paramedics got to him, which is a good sign. It’s actually better than if he’d been unconscious the whole time.”

“Oh,” April heard herself say faintly. This time she really did sit down—she wasn’t able to stand if she wanted to.

“If your husband hadn’t been wearing a seatbelt, he would have been killed instantly,” the doctor continued. “It was a rather large SUV the other driver was in, and your husband’s car spun completely around before stopping. The seatbelt and the airbag potentially saved his life. He’s a very lucky man.”

“When can she see him?” Ben inquired. He glanced at Leslie. She had her hand over her mouth and was looking down at the ground.

“She can see him before he goes into surgery. I’ll just need her to sign some documents.”

April nodded, her hand shaking as she took the pen from the doctor’s clip board.

“Sign here Mrs. Dwyer.” The doctor held out some papers for her. “And this,” he pulled the top sheet away and another was underneath it. “This one is for administration of anesthesia and this one is basic agreement information.”

April scribbled quickly, not really paying attention. The doctor handed her a few more sheets, and she signed them all. 

“I want to go over a few things with you, Mrs. Dwyer,” Dr. Davis said, as she handed him another signed form. “You do realize that with any surgery, there are certain risks involved.”

April nodded at him, trying to keep her face unreadable.

“As Mr. Dwyer will be receiving a small craniotomy, there is always a chance that he may have complications. Infection, bleeding, and there is the possibility the patient may slip into a coma. Are you still in agreement to proceed?”

April nodded. What else could she possibly do?

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the doctor held up one last form. He paused before handing it to her, and slowly flipped it around and held it out.

“Since Mr. Dwyer didn’t get the chance to choose for himself, it is up to his next of kin to decide if he will have a DNR signed,” Dr. Davis pointed to the line, waiting for April to make a move.

“This means…”

“DNR, or ‘do not resuscitate,’” the doctor said quietly.

A thousand rocks felt like they hit the pit of April’s stomach as she read the fine print on the form. She looked back at the doctor and pushed the papers away.

“I—I—no, get those away,” she stammered, looking horrified. “Are you…do you seriously think I’m gonna sign something that gives you permission to just _let my husband die?”_

“April,” Leslie was at her side. “You don’t have to sign those, you have every right to say no.” 

She was breathing fast, everything felt like it was spinning, and Andy wasn’t here to bring her back down to earth. The panic attack was starting and she had to handle it on her own. 

“It’s a necessary form, Mrs. Dwyer,” the doctor looked at her, a little more kindly this time. “If all other options have failed us, I need to know if you want us to go to extreme measures to keep your husband alive if…we are unable to resuscitate him naturally.” 

“You mean keep him on a machine,” April said, staring at a painting on the wall behind the doctor’s head.

“Yes, that is correct,” the man said. “Or, if…you feel like that is not what your husband would want, then—“

“Is my husband still alive right now?” April looked at the doctor, her eyes narrowed, holding back tears.

“He’s in serious condition, but yes, he is alive.”

“I don’t care what you have to do, but you _keep_ him alive,” she said angrily. She shoved the unsigned papers back at the doctor. Turning and holding the wall for support, she took a seat in the closest chair with her head in her hands. Leslie sat down next to her and hugged her shoulders. 

“You can see him in a couple of minutes. I’ll send a nurse for you,” the doctor nodded at them, looking at Ben, who was the only one still standing.

“Thank you,” Ben said quietly, as he turned and leaned against the wall, staring out the nearest window.

 

A few minutes later, a nurse called her name. She didn’t hear the voice, only looking up from her hands when Leslie gently prodded her arm. April followed the woman nervously, each step harder than the one before it, as they walked down the long hallway to the ICU. She didn’t even realize when they stopped in front of his room due to the eerie quiet of the hallway. April’s chest felt like lead and she tried to take long, even breaths, as the sound of constant beeping came to fill her ears and focus in her brain.

“Would you like me to stay, Mrs. Dwyer?” 

April glanced at the nurse, and shook her head without saying a word. The nurse nodded and turned to go. “Call if you need anything. He’ll be prepped for surgery in about fifteen minutes, so I’ll be back then.”

“Can he hear me?” April asked, already guessing the answer but refusing to believe it.

“We don’t think so, ma’am. But it never hurts to try. At least that’s what I like to think.”

April took a deep breath and waited a few seconds before walking in and looking up at the bed. Her breath stalled in her chest, and for a moment her heart felt as though it’d stopped beating. She’d seen a lot of things in her life, but nothing could have prepared her for seeing Andy like this. She brought both hands to her mouth and her eyes filled with tears.

“A-Andy,” she whispered, her voice a gravelly mess. She approached the bed like he was a wounded animal, afraid to get too close, yet she wanted to be as near to him as possible, to wrap herself around him and protect him from the rest of the horrible things in this world. He’d already been through hell.

Andy lay there, his body badly bruised, and covered in cuts and scratches. His left leg was wrapped, his bare chest exposed and cut in several spots. His forehead had another bandage just above his eye and his left arm was in a sling. His eyes were closed and his head was tilted slightly to the right, oxygen pumping into him through the mask on his face.

April reached out to smooth back his hair, and she noticed her hand came away with tiny splotches of blood on her fingertips. “Oh…God, babe…what happened,” she let her hand travel down his cheeks, gently rubbing his scruffy beard. His face was warm, but pale and completely unmoving. She watched her hand start to shake before she finally gave way to the crying that was inevitable. In the quiet, still space of the hospital room, April let herself go. She sobbed unapologetically, the type of cry she never thought herself capable of. 

“I love you,” she whispered, tasting her own tears as they ran down her cheeks. “You can't leave me, do you understand? I need you here." April looked at his face, searching for some sign of recognition, something to let her know he understood. “We all need you here.” She placed her head on his chest, soaking his skin with the wetness from her eyes. “You know I can’t do this without you…this life, living, existing in this stupid fucked up world without you. I can’t.” She took one of his big hands in her own and squeezed it. “So you need to come back to me, because you are the only thing in this whole world I give a damn about.”

April wasn’t expecting him to squeeze her hand back. Her head shot up and she looked at his face. “Andy?”

He was looking at her, his eyes still half closed in a droopy stare. He tried to raise his other hand awkwardly, trying to take the oxygen mask off his face, but stopped immediately when he winced in pain from his left shoulder. 

“Oh my God,” she breathed, leaning closer to him and giving his hand another squeeze. “Babe… I’m here,” she smiled at him, cupping his cheek with her free hand. “I—I’m right here, and I love you.”

He fumbled again at the mask, his hand only half working, before April reached over and held him still. “Hey, hey, it’s OK. Keep this on, babe,” she whispered. “You need it.”

He shook his head once, and closed his eyes again, his grip slackening.

“No, no, babe… Andy? Honey, stay with me,” she said frantically, squeezing his hand again. “Stay awake, stay with me,” she repeated, gently shaking his good arm.

He opened his eyes again and tried to focus on her, fighting to stay awake.

She ran her hand through his hair again. “Listen…just listen to me, babe. They’re gonna take you into surgery soon,” she said softly. “Get you all fixed up and back to your old self, and back to me. I’ll be waiting here for you when you’re all done, okay?”

He nodded slowly. She tried to give him a tiny smile…anything she could think of to make him feel better. 

Andy’s chest rose and fell steadily as the machines beeped in time to his breathing. Letting go of his wife’s hand, he used his good arm to move the mask off his nose and mouth. He pulled it down before April could stop him.

“Andy no,” she said, moving to replace it. He gently took her hand as it moved over his face, and pressed his lips against her warm palm. She stopped and looked at him. He managed a weak smile.

“April,” he whispered. “You’ve been crying. Are you… _ugh_ …OK?”

She pursed her lips together and shook her head. “I’m supposed to be asking you that,” she said sadly, a fresh tear rolling down her cheek.

“I…I’m…um,” he swallowed hard and continued. “Super happy I got to…see you before I go, babe.”

“Me too,” she rubbed his cheek, leaning over to give him the lightest kiss. His lips were warm like always, and that made her feel the slightest bit better.

“Do you remember anything…after the accident?” April asked gently.

“A bit…I…felt the crash…everything sorta hurt really bad for a minute, then I went numb…medical people…asking me stuff…I woke up here a little while later…” He closed his eyes and took a deep, raggedy breath. “So if…this goes badly,” he gave her his typical Andy grin, and cut her off as she started to object. “No, babe…listen…um, if I like, you know, happen to—“

“No, Andy, please _stop,”_ she said sadly.

"Just know that you're... _ugh_ …most super amazing wife in the world,” he said, groaning as a fresh wave of pain hit him. “And…I love you.” He started to close his eyes again. “Right now…I’m so tired, April. Wanna sleep…”

“I love you too,” she nodded, pulling the covers up and around him with shaking hands. “You’ll be fine.”

At that moment, there was a large influx of movement as Dr. Davis and several other doctors and nurses came into the room. April looked up, startled at the sudden sound.

“Oh, good,” the doctor said, noticing Andy was awake. “Glad to have you with us again, Mr. Dwyer.”

“Andy,” he replied sleepily.

“Andy, do you understand what happened to you?”

“Car accident,” Andy responded. 

“Do you know where you are?”

“Hospital,” he said, looking at April the whole time as if she was the only one in the room.

“You’re going to go into surgery now. Are you ready?”

“Yes,” Andy nodded.

“All right, Mrs. Dwyer…are you ready?”

“No,” April grabbed the bed nervously. She wasn’t ready, and she didn’t know if she’d ever be. She didn’t want to think that there was even the tiniest possibility that this might be the last time she spoke to Andy like this…awake, lucid…alive. “Wait, no, I’m not ready, I—I’m…I need five more minutes—“

“Ma’am, every minute we wait is another minute the hematoma can spread. It really would be best if we did this now.”

“Don’t worry about me, baby,” Andy assured April softly. “I can’t…go in there…knowing you’ll fall apart.”

April looked at her husband and nodded stiffly, suppressing the urge to burst into tears in front of Andy and these complete strangers. She had to hold it together for Andy. That was all she cared about. She leaned over to kiss him again.

“I love you,” she said, so only he could hear her. “I’ll be waiting for you when you’re all done.” She gave his hand a squeeze.

“Love you too, babe,” Andy smiled at her, his big, beautiful smile, closed his eyes, and intertwined his fingers with hers once before the doctors got his cot ready to be wheeled out. As they made their way out of the room, April watched them go. She watched Andy’s face until he was out of sight completely, wondering if this was the last time she would see that smile for the rest of her life. She crumpled into the chair and let go.

 

April felt someone gently shake her shoulder repeatedly sometime later. Head still down, buried in her arms that were wrapped around her knees, she looked up. Ron was looking down at her, one hand extended out for her to take. For some strange reason, seeing his face and knowing he was here made her feel better about everything. She took his hand without a word. He didn’t speak, but as they walked together out of the room, side by side, his strong steady hand on her shoulder gave her more strength than she’d had all morning.


	2. Alone

_One Month Earlier_

_“Babe, I’m back,” April announced, as she stepped into the house carrying several plastic bags._

_Andy rushed forward to help her, grabbing all of them at once. April held the smallest one herself, not letting go even as she hung up her coat. Andy deposited the groceries on the counter and immediately began putting them away, before noticing that April was still by the door._

_“Hon, everything OK over there?”_

_“Yeah,” she said, looking up at him and walking over. “Let me help you with those.”_

_“No, I got it…all set,” Andy finished quickly, and went to flop back onto the couch. “Come sit with me babe, I feel like I haven’t seen you all day. No more boring errands today, deal?”_

_“Deal,” she said. “I’ll be right there, I just need to use the bathroom,” she kissed him on the cheek. “Warm up my spot for me.”_

_“Are you all right?” Andy was watching her from his place on the couch, a concerned look on his face. “You seem super weird.”_

_April sighed, figuring the days where she kept things hidden from loved ones were over. Especially Andy—he could read her like a book. Slowly she pulled a small box out of the bag and held it up. Andy looked at her, his mouth slightly open._

_“Dude, I’m late,” she said quietly. “Like, two weeks… I haven’t been feeling that great, so I bought this pregnancy test to be sure.” She shrugged and let her hands flop down by her side, watching her husband, waiting for his reaction. He looked unsure of what to say._

_“Oh…um, did you want me to like, come with you or something?” Andy asked, his eyebrows arching up._

_“Sure,” she gave him a tiny smile. “That’d be cool.”_

_“Sweet,” he stood up and followed her to the bathroom, waiting outside the door until she gave him the OK to come in._

_Once April had done her part, Andy sat on the edge of the bathtub, tapping his foot on the floor._

_“How long do we wait?” Andy craned his neck to look at the pair of little sticks on the edge of the sink. April had taken two just to be sure._

_“Says two to three minutes,” April said, tossing the empty box into the trash. She glanced at her husband. If he was nervous, he sure didn’t show it. He actually looked excited. He kept smiling at her and checking his watch._

_“Time’s up,” he said, a little too excitedly._

_April turned and glanced nervously at the sink. The little sticks were there, each of them reading one pink line. Just one line, not two. Negative, both of them. April breathed a sigh of relief and rubbed her neck._

_“What is it? What do they say?” Andy asked, his face failing to hide his growing excitement._

_“Negative. Both negative. I’m not pregnant,” she said softly, turning to face Andy. “Thank God for that.” She grinned at him._

_She saw his face fall immediately. In an instant, where at one moment there had been a shining sense of excitement, there was now an emotionless wall of neutrality. He stood up and looked around, like he’d never seen the bathroom before._

_“Oh,” he looked back at her and faked a smile. “Well, guess we dodged a bullet on that one,” he said, forcing the cheeriness in his voice to the point of discomfort. “Cool, well, glad you got some closure, honey. Next time we’ll be more careful, just to be sure.” He turned and left the bathroom without another word, leaving April staring after him, at a loss for what to say._

_The Night Before the Accident_

_“April,” Andy practically coughed out her name. He was busy trying to catch his breath as he collapsed on top of her, her legs wrapped tight around his back. Reaching out, Andy cupped her cheeks with his hands and gave her a deep kiss before dropping his head on her chest, exhausted._

_“Andy,” April struggled to keep her eyes open while she ran her hands through Andy’s sweaty hair. She was just about to fall into what she hoped was a deep sleep when she heard him speak again._

_“Wanna ask you something,” he said, his voice muffled against her skin._

_“Mmm,” she responded._

_He kissed up her stomach, taking his time on her chest, up her neck, and landed on her lips, where he stayed, his mouth hungry for her, biting gently at her lips and tongue before rolling off her and crashing onto his own pillow. Propping himself up on his elbow, he spoke softly. “It’s important.”_

_“Okay…what is it?” she yawned._

_“I wanna have a baby,” he said sleepily._

_April’s eyes popped open, staring into his, intense and unblinking._

_“Andy…”_

_“It’ll be so awesome, babe,” he said excitedly. “I think it’ll be so good for us. Think about it, you know, a tiny little baby that we made because we love each other—”_

_“I don’t want a baby,” she said quickly. “You know that.” She sounded harsh, but she figured it was better to let him down quickly instead of dragging it out._

_“Oh,” he said, turning away, looking hurt. “I—okay, then.” Rolling over, Andy turned and faced the other way._

_Seeing his face fall like that nearly broke her into a million pieces, but she couldn’t change how she felt, and she wasn't going to fake it, not even for her husband._

_“Andy?”_

_He gave no response. She listened to him breathing._

_“Andy…”_

_Still nothing. He wasn’t really asleep, she knew. But he obviously didn’t want to talk. She sighed, and turned over to go to bed. She figured they’d talk tomorrow. This was something that required a decent conversation, not an after-sex topic while they were both on the verge of passing out._

_She slept through the night, only waking when she heard Andy leave the bed an hour later, and disappear into the living room. He was still out there when she woke the following morning._

 

“It’s been hours.” Leslie was pacing the waiting room, while Ben and Ron sat without a word. Ben was fidgety. He kept glancing at April every few minutes and checking his watch. It annoyed the hell out of her.

“What’s taking so long?” The blonde woman continued, checking her own watch. “Ugh, if Ann was still a nurse here she would’ve told us something. Damn it, why’d she move away?” Leslie threw her hands up in the air and sighed.

April sat in the seat next to Ron. She hadn’t said a word the entire time. Since Ron had found her alone in the ICU room after they’d wheeled Andy away, she’d sat, silent, emotionless, curled up in a ball on the uncomfortable cushion of the waiting room chair. Every time a doctor or nurse would walk by, she would glance up, and when they didn’t stop to speak to her she would put her head back down on her arms or stare out the window. So far, they came to give her Andy’s things: his cell phone, wallet, clothing, car keys…anything he had with him when he was brought in. Included was his wedding ring. April put it on, still too large even for her thumb, and held it to her lips. She hadn’t seen another doctor since.

“Better that they take their time,” Ben assured Leslie. “Head injuries…well…they have to be thorough.” His eyes darted to April and back.

“April?” Leslie glanced at April’s small form in the chair and cleared her throat. “Is your phone ringing?”

April shook her head, and mumbled, “Andy’s.”

Leslie nodded. She tried to keep up the conversation, for April’s sake. “Who’s calling, do you think?”

In the same monotone mumble, April just said simply, “Studio.”

It was true. The studio where Andy recorded his episodes of Johnny Karate had been calling his phone. No one had bothered to call them to let them know Andy wouldn’t be in. April didn’t see the point, and the last thing she wanted to do was explain what happened to her husband to the jerk who owned the television station. No, they would just have to wait. Wait like the rest of them. No doubt they would see the news at some point anyway. A film crew had been trying to get information on the crash for the evening segment, and people who had witnessed the scene were more than happy to share their stories. She shoved the phone further into her purse as it stopped ringing with a “ping” and a voicemail.

Ben spoke up again, clearing his throat and looking pointedly at Ron. “So, Ron…what do you say you and I go and grab some coffee? We can stretch our legs a bit.”

Leslie glared at her husband for a minute before looking away. April wondered why Ben even bothered. Leslie and Ron were too busy hating each other over something stupid to even speak to one another, and Ben usually kept up the charade with his wife. April hated that they were acting so immature about whatever they were angry about, especially at a time like this. Although, someone had to have called Ron over here in the first place. She wondered if it’d been Leslie or Ben.

Ron glanced at April, and was about to shake his head “no” when he noticed the look Ben was giving him. He stood up with a grunt and shrugged. “Might as well find the cafeteria while we’re at it,” he said quietly, ignoring Leslie as he stood and walked quickly away.

Ben gave Leslie a knowing stare before he turned and followed Ron down the hall.

Leslie waited until their backs had disappeared before she looked at April and tried again.

“April? Do you wanna talk?”

April shook her head without looking at Leslie.

“Okay. Do you mind if I talk, then?”

A shrug was all she received in return. Leslie took that as a yes.

“So Ben and I were thinking of having a holiday party at our place this year,” Leslie said casually. “I’m just about settled on a theme. I think I’m going to go with, ’I’m Dreaming of A Knope-Wyatt Christmas.’ What do you think?”

Another shrug. 

“Oh! Presents! What are you getting Andy this year? I’m thinking of getting Ben this autographed ‘Game of Thrones’ script I saw online. From his favorite episode, so I really lucked out. The one where Tyrion Lannister—well, you don’t watch it so I won’t bother explaining.”

April sniffed and remained silent.

“The holidays always bring up old memories for me,” Leslie explained. “When I was little, every Christmas I would ask for a new dream journal to start on New Year’s Day. I ended up with one for every year of my life. I still have them,” she said, remembering fondly with a smile. “As soon as Sonia is able to read, I plan on showing them to her. My new dream is for her to start her own set of journals—” 

“Last night Andy told me he wanted a baby,” April said suddenly, looking up and at Leslie for the first time.

Leslie was caught off guard for just a moment, but recovered immediately and moved to sit in the chair next to April. “He told you—what now?”

“He told me he wanted a baby,” April repeated. 

“What did you say?”

“I told him I didn’t want one.”

“Oh,” Leslie looked down at the ground, then at April again. “What did he say after that?”

“Nothing,” April replied. “He…just said nothing, and turned over and went to sleep without saying anything else. And when I tried to talk to him, he pretended to be asleep.” She turned to Leslie with wet eyes. “Then he went and spent the night on the couch. Now, what if that stupid conversation is the last memory he has of us…of me denying him something I know he wants because I just _don’t_ want it.”

“Oh, April…” Leslie leaned over and hugged her friend, wrapping her arms around her as April started to cry. “Shhh, there’s going to be plenty of time for you guys to talk about this. Don’t worry.”

“What if there’s not?” April whispered the last words, her head on Leslie’s shoulder.

“There will be.”

“I don’t know what to do, Leslie,” April sniffed. “What do I do?”

“When Andy’s all done with the surgery, he’ll probably be here for a bit, resting up and recovering. Then he gets to come home with you. And you will have all the time off you need to take care of him. The National Parks Service will manage without you. Of course, we’ll be one awesome person short for a bit…but we’ll manage. I’ll come over whenever you need me, or if you start feeling overwhelmed, or need a break. I’ll bring the triplets if I have to.” She looked at April and smiled. “I bet they’ll love to decorate Uncle Andy’s new cast, since they weren’t around for his first two.”

April looked at Leslie with a halfhearted smile. “What do I do about…the whole baby thing?” She said it quietly, like she was afraid to talk about it out loud.

“That’s something you and Andy will have to figure out when the time comes. Right now, I think you both have enough on your plates for a bit, at least until he’s better. That’s going to take a couple of months.”

“And if he doesn’t get better?” April looked at the ground.

“He will. Andy will go to the ends of the earth to come back to you.”

 

Ben and Ron arrived about twenty minutes later. They’d been whispering to each other before entering the waiting area, and Leslie narrowed her eyes at them as they returned to their spots, Ron in a chair and Ben against the wall.

April turned to ask them what they were talking about, when a female doctor approached carrying some papers. April immediately turned her attention to the woman and stood up.

“Hello Mrs. Dwyer,” the woman said slowly. “I’ve just come to speak to you, if that’s all right.”

“How’s Andy?”

“Still in surgery,” the woman replied, not unkindly. “Would you mind if we spoke…alone?”

“No—I mean, yes, I would mind. I’d like my—I just need them here,” April gestured to Leslie, Ben and Ron.

“We’re her family,” Leslie said, and Ben and Ron nodded in solemn agreement.

“All right,” the doctor sighed. “Please sit down. Now Mrs. Dwyer,” she pulled out a sheet of paper and spoke very slowly. “I understand that earlier you refused to sign a DNR for your husband. You are his next of kin, and at that time we assumed he would remain unconscious until he went into surgery, rendering him unable to make a sound decision for himself.”

April felt the pit of nerves in her stomach opening up again at the memory, swirling around and making her nauseous. “Uh-huh…and he was unconscious right up until he was wheeled into surgery,” she said, crossing her arms.

“Well, yes, but when Mr. Dwyer went into surgery, he was completely aware of what was happening and he was able to speak for himself. That being said, we had a legal obligation to tell him about the DNR.”

“Okay, and?” April was losing composure with each passing second. She could feel the sweat on the back of her neck.

“And your husband…well, he took it upon himself to sign it,” the doctor said, finally turning the sheet over and handing it to April.

April took it with shaking hands, looking immediately at the signature at the bottom of the paper. There, in Andy’s messy signature, was his name and the date. “No,” she pushed it back. “This isn’t valid.”

“Yes, Mrs. Dwyer, unfortunately it is.”

“No, he wouldn’t sign that. He _wouldn’t,”_ she said loudly, standing and backing up. “He wouldn’t let—he wouldn’t be okay with…no. He wouldn’t.” If April had ever come close to reaching peak hysteria, this was the moment she surpassed it. Tears streaming, she backed up, bumped into the wall, and turned to run in the opposite direction. She could hear Leslie, Ben and Ron calling after her, but she didn’t stop. She sprinted through the hospital floor until she found a door leading to a stairwell, and hid beneath it, breathing hard and sobbing. Hitting the wall with her small fist until her knuckles started to bruise, she fell to the floor in a ball.

_She no longer had a say in the outcome…she could only wait._

It wasn’t until several minutes later that the stairwell door opened and she heard soft footsteps approaching. She felt someone sit down next to her, and only realized it was Ben when she heard him exhale.

“Hey,” he said softly.

“What,” she said, a little too harshly, keeping her head hidden in her knees.

“I want to show you something,” Ben responded, reaching into his pocket. “It has to do with Andy, so…I think you’ll wanna know.”

She lifted her head and sniffed hard, glaring at him. He had a piece of paper and was unfolding it as he spoke. 

“What is that—“

“Just listen. So, while you were in the ICU room, before Ron came and found you, a doctor came to the waiting room and called my name,” Ben said, eyeing April. She stared back at him with hard eyes, unblinking and sad. “Apparently Andy found out we were out there, and at the last minute he asked to see me about something. When I went to see him, he was exhausted looking, about to go to surgery, and there was his doctor and this other man. Dr. Davis—that’s his name right? Anyway, he was there, and tells me the other guy is a notary. And Andy said he wanted me there to hear him say this out loud and write it down in my handwriting, so you would believe me when I showed you. The notary even stamped it, right after Andy signed it. Andy said he wanted…his friend to be the one.” Ben handed the paper to April. “Just read it.”

She looked at the paper. It was indeed in Ben’s handwriting: 

_Dear April, my beautiful, super awesome, amazing wife: I’m sorry that I signed the DVR, or VCR…wait, DNR. That’s it. I’m sorry, but I couldn’t go into surgery with the thought in my mind that if this doesn’t go well, or for some reason, I had to be on some sort of machine or something…you’d be stuck, tied to a me that’s not…me. The doctor explained everything to me, so I know what that would be like if it happened. I can’t have that for you. I won’t. You can’t spend the rest of your life waiting for me. You need to be able to move on. Do awesome stuff. Finish the bucket list. Adopt another dog, but maybe this one can have two legs instead of three. That way Champion can have a friend. Anyway, don’t worry about me. And don’t be too mad at me for what I did._

_But also, keep this in mind: I’m not going down without a fight. Just you wait. But if not, please…don’t be scared to move on. You’ve definitely made me the happiest guy in the galaxy. I love you so much. Love always, your husband, Andy._

By the time April finished reading, the paper was covered in teardrops. Ben was looking at her, eyes red, his mouth a tight, unreadable line. He wrapped one arm around her shoulder and they sat like that for a while, Ben listening to April sob quietly, not speaking a word. Just being there for her, the way an older brother should.


	3. What If

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter very briefly mentions thoughts of suicide

“Ben?” April’s voice echoed quietly in the stair well, breaking the silence of the past half hour. It was dark; the only light coming from a tiny, solitary window.

Ben turned his head to look at her, a little startled that she even spoke. He cleared his throat and sat up straighter. April was staring straight ahead, hear head and body pushed back against the wall and her knees drawn up to her chest. Andy’s wedding ring was still around her thumb as she idly spun it against her other finger.

“What’s up?”

“Do you ever wonder,” she said slowly, “what it would be like if you suddenly had to just…live life without Leslie?”

Ben paused for a moment. “Um, no…I’ve never thought about that, honestly.”

“Oh,” she stopped spinning the ring. “I was just wondering…you know…”

“Yeah, of course,” he nodded, blinking at her.

“What would you do though? If you were like me, my situation, and…things just went…bad.”

Ben sighed, resting his head back against the cold wall. “Well, I guess I’d just take the triplets and leave. Leave Pawnee, move away…I certainly wouldn’t want to stay here. Don’t think I’d be able to, if there were bad memories and stuff.”

“Right,” April nodded.

“Why are you asking me this?”

When she didn’t respond, he asked, “April, did you want to get up and get something to eat or drink? Maybe some coffee?”

“No,” she said quietly.

“What do you want to do?”

“I just want Andy,” she said quietly. “I want my husband, I want to go back in time, and I just want to take us home.”

 

The sound of Ben’s phone going off a little while later startled the both of them. April and Ben had been sitting in the stairwell for who knows how long, but she’d been too out of it to think anymore, or feel anymore…let alone move. Sitting up quickly, she brushed the wetness from her eyes, clutching Andy’s note and his ring in one hand. Ben read the text message, his eyes widening. 

“April! They must be done with the surgery—Leslie says they’re looking for you in the waiting room.”

Without a word, April jumped up and sped out of the stairwell, Ben trailing behind her. She practically crashed into Dr. Davis in the waiting area as she stopped, Ben running to Leslie’s side. Ron stood up with his arms crossed, a concerned expression on his stony face.

“Mrs. Dwyer,” the doctor looked tired, but April remained momentarily hopeful and held her breath. “I wanted to let you know that your husband is out of surgery. He’s in the recovery room right now.”

“Oh my God,” April grabbed Leslie’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “Is he…how is he?”

“Fine right now,” Dr. Davis replied. “He did well. We were able to remove the hematoma, which was the most important issue, and we reset the broken bones and sutured up the cuts. Everything should heal in time, but he’s going to have a long recovery process. And he’ll need some physical therapy.”

“Oh, thank goodness,” Leslie whispered to Ben.

“Is he awake?” April could barely contain the urge to run and find him.

“No, it might be a few hours before he wakes up, maybe more. It was an intense surgery, and sometimes the anesthesia takes a while to wear off.”

“Doctor, thanks very much for taking care of him,” Ron said, extending his hand. Dr. Davis shook it. 

“It was my pleasure. I’ll be around, checking in on him. Call if you need me. You can go see him if you’d like. He’s in recovery room three-eighteen.”

As the doctor walked away, April turned to the other three, unsure of exactly what to say to them. They’d been waiting with her all day, putting a hold on their busy lives for her, and for Andy. She didn’t have words to express the proper gratitude, but luckily Leslie was a step ahead of her.

“Go, April. Go see him,” Leslie nodded in the direction of the hallway. “Call us when you’re ready.”

April nodded, and turned quickly, sprinting down the hall to find Andy’s room.

He did well in the surgery. _He did well in the surgery._ She kept thinking of the doctor’s words, and every time she heard herself say them in her head, a little part of her felt like it was coming back to life. Now she just had to wait a bit more. She could do that—the worst part was over. 

She slowed to a stop in front of his door, taking deep, calming breaths. It was a whole new feeling entering the room this time. April hurried in, immediately turning her attention to Andy. He was there, completely bandaged up around a spot on his head, while his leg was in a sturdy white cast. His shoulder had a new sling, and the little scrapes and cuts all over his chest were bandaged over under his hospital gown. There was no longer blood splotches in his hair. The machines were still beeping, and he still had tubes helping his breathing, but the huge, daunting oxygen mask was no longer necessary. 

She pulled a chair up to the side of his bed and gently took his hand.

 _“Warm hands,”_ she thought, with the smallest of smiles. She kissed his fingers. “Hey babe,” she said shakily. “I’m _so_ happy to see you right now.”

Andy breathed in and out slowly. She adjusted the sheets to keep him warm and comfortable.

“Ben gave me the note,” she said, rubbing her thumb across his knuckles methodically. “I want you to know that I can’t imagine a world without you, because I don’t want to. There isn’t one. You should’ve known there could never be another guy for me, Andy,” she said gently. “You’re it, babe. There’s no one else.” 

She smoothed his sheets out and stroked his cheek, like she loved to do, like she could do for hours. 

“I can only imagine what you must have gone through today. At one point—well, many points—I thought I was going to actually lose you,” her eyes felt watery, and she brushed at them without thinking. “I thought about, you know, if you didn’t…if you were gone…” 

She couldn’t bring herself to say it out loud. At the time, it had been so easy, thinking about joining him outside this world, leaving everything behind to find him again, wherever he went. She would’ve found a way. But the idea of saying it in front of Andy, even now while he was asleep like this…she felt like she’d be disappointing him. “Never mind,” she said softly.

April became aware of how loud the ticking of the wall clock was. The silence of the room was huge, Andy’s voice usually making up for lack of noise and filling any space with love and warmth. It was so odd being right next to him like this, yet no sound came from him. 

“The studio is wondering where Johnny Karate is,” she said quietly. “I didn’t wanna call them back earlier. But when you’re feeling better, maybe you can do an episode that teaches kids about how not to be afraid to go to the hospital. I bet the kids would love to see you do the show on crutches. They can all sign your cast…but the triplets get first dibs, okay?”

His hand twitched. She smiled and continued. “Remember that? That was the first time I met you. You were on crutches. Because you fell into the pit in the back of stupid Ann’s house. And I came inside, and we played video games instead of doing the dumb canvassing project for the pit.”

Andy shifted his head. April glanced up at the clock again. He had to have been sleeping for a while now. She had no idea when he might actually wake up, but she needed to be by his side when he did. Every noise or movement he made, April felt her heart beat faster.

“I’m sorry about the way last night ended,” she said suddenly. “I don’t want to lie to you and tell you that I wanna have a kid…because I don’t…I just…I can’t. I can’t think about that right now. I just started my job with Leslie at National Parks, and you have the show, and for the first time I finally feel like we’re both right where we should be. I’m sorry. It doesn’t mean I love you any less or anything…I just hope it doesn’t change how you feel about me.”

He sighed in his sleep. “I want so badly to curl up next to you right now, babe, you have no idea.” She took his hand again. “I need to sleep, I’m so tired. Tired of crying, tired of waiting, tired of working…tired of this place. I want you, just you, no one else. I wanna hear your voice, I want you to wake up…I just… _want._ You’re the only thing I’ve ever really wanted in my entire life.” 

She looked around the room. There were several chairs positioned near the bed, more than she’d noticed before. She guessed the staff knew how many people had waited with her, and the thought gave her comfort to know they were doing their best for Andy. “I’m gonna call our friends in. They’re gonna wanna see you. They’ve been waiting with me this whole time. I don’t know what I’d do without them. Don’t tell them that, okay?”

A little while later, April was joined by Leslie, Ben, Ron and surprisingly, Tom, who had arrived while April was at Andy’s bedside. The group of friends sat, talking quietly, April holding Andy’s hand the entire time. It appeared for a moment that Ron and Leslie had forgotten their quarrel, and April was grateful they put it behind them, temporary though it may be.

“April, feel free to take as much time as you need from work,” Leslie assured her. “I’ll make sure to file the paperwork for your leave of absence.”

“Come by the Bistro anytime, I’ll hook you up with some food,” Tom added. “Don’t normally give away freebees, but, since you’re a VIP, I’ve gotcha covered.” He winked at her.

“And I will be taking care of Andy’s hospital bills,” Ron said quietly. “You both have enough on your plate, and with you out of work for the time being, I don’t want you to have to worry about money.”

“I…don’t,” April tried her best to hide her emotions. She realized that as the years went on, this was proving more and more difficult. “Thanks guys.”

“Anytime,” Leslie said, squeezing April’s shoulder gently. Glancing at the clock, she nudged Ben. “Babe, we gotta go. My mom still has the kids. We should go pick them up.”

“Yeah, she’s right guys, we gotta go,” Ben said, standing up. “See you guys soon.”

“April, call us if anything happens,” Leslie said seriously. “I swear, I’ll have my phone on me all night,” she slung her purse over her shoulder. “I’ll stop by your house to let Champion out, God knows he probably has to go.”

“Thanks. Poor Champion, I’ve been here all day,” April frowned. 

“Bye…Tom,” Leslie added, avoiding glancing at Ron on the way out.

April, Ron and Tom watched them leave, Ron remaining silent as they disappeared.

“Come on, man, this is stupid—“ Tom blurted out, but stopped immediately when he saw the look Ron gave him.

“Come on, son,” Ron said to Tom. “We should get going too. Give these two some time.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Tom stood and made for the door. “See ya, April. Give my man Andy the best when he wakes up.”

“Goodnight April,” Ron said quietly. He dug into his pocket and produced a small piece of paper, checked to see that Tom had already left the room, and handed it to her.

“What’s this?”

“My cell phone number,” he said. “Don’t lose it, because I don’t ever give it out to anyone. Actually, memorize it and burn that paper when you’re done. Call me, anytime.”

April smiled at him as he turned and walked out the door. She sat back down in the chair next to Andy’s bed, turning the tiny paper over and over in her hands.

 

“Mrs. Dwyer, visiting hours are over,” the nurse said sometime later, as April lifted her head off Andy’s stomach. “You’re welcome to stay a little longer than usual, but at eleven o’clock, we are going to have to send you home.”

“He hasn't woken up yet,” April said sleepily. “I wanna be here when he does.”

“I understand, but we don’t know when that will be. I’ll be back in one hour.”

April rolled her eyes and turned to look at Andy, who was still fast asleep. “Babe,” she said, yawning. “If you can hear me, I need you to wake up before I leave…” She rubbed his arm, and put her head down again to fall back into dreamless sleep.

She was woken up an hour later by the nurse gently shaking her shoulder. 

“I’m sorry ma’am, but you have to go home now,” she said.

“Why can’t I just stay here? I’m not bothering anyone.” April glared at the woman and tried to turn the other way.

“Hospital rules,” she said gently. “I promise, if there are any problems or anything comes up, we will call you.”

April stood up, too tired to argue, and gave Andy a kiss on the forehead. “I’ll be back babe, first thing tomorrow.” She turned to look at him once more before she left the room. He looked peaceful, and she finally felt some relief.

 

Since Leslie was the one who’d driven her there, it took April a while to find her car in the parking lot. The day’s ordeal had been so long, so nerve-wracking, and she was exhausted. Before taking off, April contemplated just sleeping in the car. Then she remembered Champion, and the fact that she herself hadn’t eaten all day, and thought better of it. Summoning up the energy, she started for home.

Champion was waiting for her at the door, his tail wagging frantically. The house was dark, save for the kitchen light that Leslie must have turned on for her when she stopped by to take Champion outside.

“Hey Champion,” April said sadly, rubbing the dog’s head. He was looking toward the door, and April knew he was waiting for Andy. She scratched his ears. “I know, boy…I know, he’s not coming home tonight. He’s not gonna be home for a little while.”

She looked around the empty house, at Andy’s sneakers in a pile near the door, an empty pizza box on the counter, and the pillow and blanket on the couch from when Andy spent the night away from her after the conversation about the baby. It was strange, because she knew it was just like it always looked. But it was completely different without her husband there with her. She hadn’t felt this alone since the time Andy had gone to London. 

April headed into their room, ready to change into pajamas, and glanced at the bed. It suddenly seemed to large for her. She picked up Andy’s favorite Mouse Rat shirt and slipped it on. _“At least I can smell him if I can’t be with him,”_ she thought to herself. Calling Champion to join her, she tried to snuggle under the covers. April tossed and turned, trying to find a comfortable position, but she knew it was no good. Andy wasn’t there, and she couldn’t sleep.

She didn’t understand what made her pick up her phone, but suddenly she was dialing a very familiar number. It rang about three times before a tired voice answered the phone.

“H-hello?”

“Mom?” April said softly, waiting for a response.

“ZuZu?” came her mother’s voice, getting louder as she woke.

“Yeah, it’s me,” April bit her lip. “I just…I just wanted to call you. I know it’s late.”

“Is everything all right? Are you all right?” Her mother sounded panicky.

“I’m…I…” April sniffed hard and felt her voice shake. “I’m at home right now, but Andy, he’s in the hospital, mom. He got into a bad car accident. He had surgery and everything, and he’s out of it, but he’s sleeping…”

“Oh, April, why didn’t you call us sooner?” her mom sounded sad, whether it was because of Andy or because her daughter hadn’t confided in her sooner, or a little of both, April wasn’t sure.

“I just…I had to deal with it on my own, I guess. I needed to be there for him. But right now, I just wanted to talk to you. I miss him, mom. I don’t know when he’s going to wake up and I’m afraid about what he’ll be like when he does.”

“Why should you be, honey?” Her mom asked gently.

“I don’t know, I just am,” April replied, resting back against the pillow. “What if he doesn’t remember me because of some freakish memory loss, or something? Or…or he realizes that he could do better and decides to leave,” she took a big gulp of air.

“ZuZu, Andy would never do that to you,” her mother said seriously. “He loves you.”

“I know, mom.”

“I’m coming over there—“

“No, mom, no! You don’t have to,” April said quickly. “I just wanted to talk to you. I’m sorry I didn’t call you sooner about it.”

“Don’t ever hesitate to call us, sweetheart,” her mother replied. “We are always here for you.”

“Thanks,” April felt herself smile. “I guess, I’ll talk you as soon as I know more tomorrow. Night mom.”

April hung up the phone and settled back into bed. True, she and her parents weren’t the closest, and she never really visited them. Even Natalie was too busy these days. But there was something about this whole situation, she couldn’t even explain it to herself…she needed her mom’s assurance. There was something about her mother telling her that everything would be OK that helped her settle back into sleep. She closed her eyes and the exhaustion took over.

 

April’s phone went off a couple of hours later. Jumping up, she felt around for it and answered sleepily.

“Hello?”

“Mrs. Dwyer? This is nurse Jamie, from your husband’s room?”

“What? Is he all right? What’s going on?”

“Well, we might need you to come down here,” the woman said anxiously. “Your husband woke up, and he seems to be having some sort of panic attack, and he’s just asking for you over and over. I don’t think he’ll calm down until you get here.”

April was already half dressed by the time the woman finished the sentence. “Oh my God,” April whispered. “Yeah, I’m—I’m on my way. Be right there.” She finished dressing in a flash, tossed her hair up in a pony tail, and was on the road within five minutes. She was used to driving fast, but this time April was grateful there were no cops around, because she made it to the hospital in record time.

She took the elevator to his room, bypassing empty hallways and dark corridors, long abandoned after the main hospital hours were over, and skidded to a halt in front of his room. She heard loud voices and hurried in, rushing over to the bed.

“Andy?” 

“Mrs. Dwyer,” it was Dr. Davis who greeted her this time, as he pulled back the curtain around Andy’s bed and ushered her forward. 

Andy appeared to be asleep again, looking almost exactly like he had when she’d left him hours ago.

“What happened?” she asked. “I thought he was awake, I got a call to come down here…the panic attack…”

“He _was_ awake. He woke up suddenly, yelling for you. A nurse heard him, and tried to calm him down, but he was getting so worked up that we had to lightly sedate him. He tried to climb out of bed. He could have done some serious damage to himself.”

“What was he yelling about?”

“He was yelling for you, saying he needed to see you before you left him, before you went away to Venezuela, which was extremely odd. I tried to tell him you were home, but he didn’t believe me. He just kept saying he needed to stop you before you left and didn’t come back.”

“Oh,” April said in a small voice.

“He kept yelling something about someone named ‘Eduardo?’”

April sighed. “I know who he meant.”

“Anyway, I think he was just coming off the drugs in his system. Feel free to stay now, since you’re already here. Especially if he wakes up again.” 

“Thanks.”

The doctors left the room, leaving the two of them along again. April plopped into the chair next to the bed and waited, resting her head back to close her eyes. 

“Babe…”

Her head popped up at the gravelly voice, looking at Andy with wide eyes. He was twitching his mouth and shaking his head a little, his eyelids moving ever so slightly.

“Yes, Andy, I’m right here babe,” she said excitedly. She took his hand and waited. She watched his mouth move slowly, and he mumbled something. “Andy?”

Andy opened his eyes slowly and looked around, his eyes focusing on his wife. April smiled, her heart doing some sort of jump in her chest and her blood pumping in her ears.

“April,” Andy smiled weakly, and April felt like she could stare at his face forever. “Babe, I’m…alive, right?”

She burst out laughing and crying at the same time, leaning forward to give him a deep kiss.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Andy said, his voice tired and scratchy. “And you didn’t leave for Venezuela?”

She shook her head happily. “No, babe…I’m not going to run away to Venezuela. Promise.” 

“That’s a relief…hey, you’re not mad at me, are you? That I signed the thing?”

“Andy,” April shook her head. “No, I—I’m just happy you’re awake. How do you feel?”

“Like I could stare at you for the rest of my life,” he said with a smirk.

“Andy, you had me so freaking scared,” she said, sighing as she took his hand.

“I’m sorry, babe,” he said seriously. “I didn’t mean to.”

She smiled at him, reaching forward to caress his cheek. “Did you really think I was gonna leave and go to Venezuela?”

Andy nodded. “I woke up, and you were gone, and I dunno, I guess I just freaked out, and I had all these thoughts going through my head and stuff, and I just got super worried that you decided to listen to my note and leave without realizing I wasn’t dead.”

“Oh, Andy,” April shook her head. “Dude, come on, don’t ever think that! And about that note,” she said, pulling it out of her coat pocket.

“Yeah honey…please don’t be mad at me, about that…”

“I’m not,” she said. “You nearly broke me to pieces, though.”

“I just love you so much,” he said shyly. “I wanted to make sure you’d be okay.”

April didn’t respond, instead just leaned forward to give him a kiss. She meant to pull back quickly, afraid of tiring him out, but Andy reached for her with his uninjured hand and gently took the back of her head, pulling her closer to him and holding the kiss for as long as he could. When they broke apart, he looked happier than ever, albeit extremely worn out, as if the kiss had taken the last of his temporary strength.

“I’ve been waiting so long to do that,” he said quietly.

“You have no idea,” she said with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this might end up being more than four chapters...I have to see where it goes, so not sure yet! :)


	4. Coming Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A look at the story so far from Andy's POV.

Andy didn’t remember much about the car crash. He tried to, he really did. He tried to piece it all together, tried to see where things fit and where they didn’t. Where he went wrong, and when he could have made better decisions.

The first thing he remembered was waking up on the couch. Why was he on the couch again?

Oh…

He didn’t really want to think about that. He wasn’t mad. He was just super sad. He didn’t want to get away from April because he _needed_ to be away from her. He only needed time alone to think. He just happened to fall asleep, and before he knew it, it was time to wake up and head to work…

As he got ready that morning he thought about everything. He wanted kids so bad. He knew going into this marriage with April, the topic was something she wasn’t interested in. They’d talked about it in the past briefly here and there, and only when it would fit the situation. He’d gotten so excited when he found the pregnancy test at Ron’s cabin, and only after eliminating all the other women and he actually thought it belonged to April. How he couldn’t wait to ambush her in the parks department and spin her around and tell her how excited he was. But he was wrong, and it wasn’t hers.

He tried to pretend like it would be no big deal. Truly, he did. But then the Knope-Wyatt triplets were born. And pretending wasn’t working anymore. He wanted kids of his own so bad, because he loved her so, so much. He wanted this more than anything. He’d messed up a lot in his young adult life, but marrying April had awakened a whole new purpose in him. He cared more about her than his own well being and always would. He would do anything for her. So why not take that amazing love they have for each other and create a baby to share that love with? It seemed logical enough to him.

April loved the triplets. She loved to babysit them, and play with them, and talk to them. She smiled around them more than almost anyone else (aside from him, of course) and whenever Leslie or Ben would bring them into the building she’d stop what she was doing to go and say hello. So why wouldn’t she want her own?

Then a month ago, he was the most excited he’d ever been. He was hoping so badly that those tests were going to be positive. Maybe by some fluke, some type of accident April had been so careful to avoid, just maybe they’d receive the greatest reward of all as a result. He was wishing it over and over in his head, waiting for the two tiny tests to give a result, and he kept thinking to himself that even if initially April didn’t want it, maybe in time she’d realize how much she actually _did._

That didn’t work out, though. The tests were negative. And she was so relieved. He’d felt so shitty about it that he had disappeared to their bedroom for an hour, pretending he had to work on a new Johnny Karate song. In fact, the whole time he’d sat there on the bed, guitar slung over his shoulder, staring at the window until she called him down to let him know the pizza had arrived. Then he started to think the worst thought of all. Maybe she did want kids. But maybe she just didn’t want them with _him._

The night before the accident they’d had sex, and it was awesome as usual. He’d been so elated…loving her, worshipping her, still not believing she was his wife. He didn’t know why he brought it up, but he figured he’d try again and ask anyway.

 _“I don’t want a baby,”_ she’d told him. _“I told you that already.”_ There was a bite to her voice he wasn’t expecting. It hit him like a shard of ice to the heart.

So when the SUV crashed into the side of his car, he thought of April, of her face, her eyes, her smile, and of her tiny hands that were always cold, and hoped beyond hope that he would be able to see her at least one more time to let her know that it was okay that she didn’t want a baby, and he loved her no matter what. Once the pain took over, he didn’t remember much else after that.

 

Andy could hear her voice, and she was crying. He felt her holding his hand, and her hands were cold like always. He tried to squeeze one of them, his brain doing the motion, but with no way of knowing if his muscles actually made the movement. It must have worked, because suddenly she stopped sobbing. He opened his eyes slowly, and saw she was looking at him, shocked, tears running down her cheeks. God, he was in so much pain. Every bone in his body was on fire. His head felt like it was going to explode.

This was it, this was the only moment he had to let her know how much he loved her. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever get the chance again…and in no time at all they were wheeling him away and he watched her get smaller and smaller as he traveled down the hallway.

 

“So, you mean if I sign this,” Andy looked at the paper filled with the small print, squinting, then back at his doctors. “If I sign this…if my heart stops, or whatever, or I can’t survive on my own without the help of a machine…” Why was it taking so much energy to form a complete sentence? “…then you can’t hook me up to one, right? You won’t have to have me…just existing in some shell-like form…while everyone I care about has to spend every day being miserable because…because I’m not waking up?”

“In a sense…yes,” Dr. Davis cleared his throat. “Andy, if you sign that paper, you are releasing the hospital of the obligation to try to revive you in the event that your heart stops beating during the operation, or are reduced to a comatose state as a result of said operation. Your wife refused to sign it, but now we have to inform you since you are no longer unconscious.”

Andy looked at it for a while before looking up. “You said my friends are out there?”

“Yes, two men and a woman,” the doctor nodded.

“I need you to…grab one of them for me, please. Before I sign it.”

 

Ben arrived not five minutes later. The doctor even brought the notary guy, like Andy had requested. He didn’t know much about notaries, but he knew Larry, or Terry, or whatever he was called these days always blabbered on about how he wanted to be one someday so he could “make things legal” or some nonsense like that. So he figured they were important, somehow.

“What’s—Andy!” Ben looked at him wide-eyed and confused. “I thought you were going into surgery…and you’re awake?”

“Dude, I need you…for something,” Andy said weakly, holding up a blank piece of note paper.

Ben nodded, “Sure, anything. What can I do?”

“I need you to…write this down, exactly as I say it.”

Ben glanced at the bed and saw the DNR paperwork. Concern flooded his face immediately. “Wait, Andy, what are you doing?”

“Ben, you’ve always been…a brother to me. I need you to do this for me,” Andy pleaded.

“Who is this guy?” Ben pointed to the notary.

“He’s the note-taker, or whatever.”

“Notary,” the man said quietly.

Ben rubbed the back of his neck. “Andy, just…just listen to me, real quick. Are you sure you want to do this?”

Andy looked at Ben with sad eyes. “Ben, I need to make sure April’s going to…be OK. She won’t be if I’m…if I can’t be there for her and I’m just always on the back of her mind…yes I’m sure.”

“She refused to sign them, Andy…she doesn’t want this.” Ben shook his head.

“I know,” Andy said, wincing in pain. “Ben, please man.”

Ben sighed, and took the pen from Andy, his hand shaking ever so slightly. “All right, let’s do it.”

 

He was dreaming about her. April was talking to him from somewhere. Was he still in surgery? Was he dead? Was this what it would be like, for eternity? Hearing her voice, but never seeing her face? No, he had to try to come back to her. He promised her he'd try.

He listened hard…she was talking about the note. Oh, the note…he hoped she wasn’t mad at him for that. At least now she has the chance to move on. Find another guy if she wants, maybe have a kid if she decides to change her mind. Would she stay in Pawnee or go back to Venezuela? But she wasn’t Venezuelan, she was Puerto Rican… Maybe she’d move there?

More voices joined hers…foggy, loud voices. They were familiar though, so he didn’t mind too much. But he really just wanted to hear April. He wished the other voices would go away to better hear hers.

But then hers went away too. And Andy was suddenly alone. Or was he? He still had no idea if he was even alive. And then suddenly she was there. April’s face was clear as day. She was smiling, and she was walking toward him. He smiled back, and was just about to reach out and take her hand when another guy pushed in front of him, grabbing at her hand and pulling her in another direction.

What the hell?

He tried to call her, but she ignored him. Who was this guy? And what was he doing with HIS wife?

He tried calling her again, but this time she turned around, and shook her head, before following the man holding her hand. Andy took another look at him and realized it was that guy, Eduardo, who April brought back that one time from Venezuela.

This couldn’t be right.

“APRIL!”

She kept walking away.

“APRIL!”

Before he knew it, he was tossing and turning, and suddenly awake, yelling for her, looking around but she was no where to be seen in the dark hospital room. He was alive. He must be. Some nurses ran in, and that doctor Andy spoke to before the surgery, but none of them would listen to him. April wasn’t at home, she was on her way out of the country and they HAD to stop her. Why wouldn’t they just LISTEN to him?

“Andy, she’s not here, she’s at home. We promise you, she left about three hours ago.”

“No, I saw her,” he tried so sit up and felt a rush of pain in his shoulder and head.

“Andy, lie down, now! She’s at home!”

“NO, she’s not, she’s…she’s…”

He felt a tiny pinch in his arm, and all at once, everything seemed to slow down. The room got foggy, voices got thick, and Andy couldn’t keep his eyes open if he tried…

 

“Babe…”

He opened his eyes and she was there, smiling at him. She was there, she was real. His beautiful wife, with her gorgeous smile. He smiled back, “Babe, I’m alive, right?”

He didn’t mean to make her cry, but she did. She was laughing too, so that was good. She was here, right next to him, and she didn’t leave for Venezuela, and from the looks of it she wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

He couldn’t stop looking at her. He memorized every inch of her face like he’d never seen it before. The curves of her cheeks, the slope of her nose, the beautiful color of her dark eyes. The pink tone of her lips. The way her mouth turned up at the ends when she gave even the faintest hint of a smile.

He didn’t want to ever forget her face.

She leaned forward to kiss him. Her lips barely brushed against his, and he needed more than that. Reaching up, he gently pulled her down, feeling the strength in his arm fading even as he did so, but he didn’t care. He used every ounce of energy and it was worth it.

“I’ve been waiting so long to do that.”

She smiled at him, with the smallest trace of tears in the corners of her eyes. “You have no idea.”

He loved her more than life itself.


	5. Don't Ever Worry

“Let’s go over a few things, Andy,” Dr. Davis said, pulling a chair up to Andy’s bed side. “I want you to take this very seriously, because the more you cooperate, the faster your recovery will be. For the next four weeks, no prolonged physical activities. As in no sports, no working out, no sexual intercourse…”

“But—“

“… no heavy lifting. Lots of rest, lots of fluids, lots of therapy. We clear?”

Andy shrugged and let out a frustrated sigh. He was propped up in his hospital cot, the remnants of dinner sitting in front of him on a tray. April sat beside him and held his hand, listening intently to everything Dr. Davis was saying.

“Once you go home tomorrow, we’ll give you a prescription for pain medication for you to take. I want you to take one when you need to, but don’t be taking more than four a day, are we clear? I’ll also be giving you something to help you sleep through the night.”

“Great,” Andy said, staring at the ceiling.

April glanced at her husband. He was looking pretty good after a week at the hospital. Some color had returned to his face, and he wasn’t getting worn out as fast as the first couple of days after the surgery. That’d been a rough time. Every time he’d talked for more than ten minutes, he’d get sleepy and start to doze off, and whenever he sat up for too long he started to get pains in his head, chest and shoulder.

He’d lost some weight, and he had a more hallow look to his cheeks than she’d ever seen. April attributed it to the fact that the hospital food was gross, plus his appetite just wasn’t there to begin with.

After three days they started to have him walk around on crutches, trying to get some feeling of movement in his body again. That proved to be as difficult as ever, as he would get worn out quickly and have to take a break every few minutes. April actually started to argue with the nurses when she felt like they were working him too hard, almost getting herself kicked out of the hospital wing until his exercise was over.

The nightmares were totally new, and completely unexpected. At least once a night, Andy would wake up yelling for April. He would be saying the same things he said the night he woke up from surgery, afraid she was gone, afraid she took off to Venezuela with her old boyfriend Eduardo. Each time, if she wasn’t with him, he would have to call her at home on his bedside phone just to make sure she was there. After the fourth night in a row of this, Dr. Davis started to give Andy a strong sleep aid to get him through the night uninterrupted.

April wound’t say she was worried about him, but she was definitely concerned. And a little overwhelmed. Andy’s health was in her hands from this point on, and if that wasn’t daunting enough she didn’t know what was. She’d taken the appropriate steps at their house to ensure things would be smooth for him, including getting the proper therapy equipment, some new pillows, and straightening up the place so there was plenty of room for him to get around.

“April? Did you get all that? Does everything make sense?” Dr. Davis was staring at her.

She nodded. “Yeah, I got it. And I have all the notes you gave me, and the phone numbers…”

“Fantastic. All right Andy,” he said, standing up. “I’ll be back once more this evening, and then tomorrow before you go.”

“See ya, doc,” Andy said as he watched the man disappear through the doorway. He turned to April immediately. “This is gonna suck, isn’t it?”

“No,” she said, only half truthfully.

“I don’t want you to be stuck taking care of me like this. I hate how you’re stuck with me all day every day. I mean, I love it personally, but I don’t think you’ll love it. Ann hated it…” he looked at her guiltily.

“First of all, I don’t want to talk about Ann, like, ever. And second, I’m not like her, she was lame, and obviously a bad nurse if she couldn’t even take care of her own boyfriend. Third, babe, I’m gonna be fine. There’s nothing I’d rather do than take care of you. After everything that’s happened, this is the best scenario we could be in right now.”

“Did he say that I really can’t have sex with my super hot wife for like, a month?” Andy asked, looking at her with sad, puppy eyes.

In almost any other situation, April would’ve said to forget the doctor’s orders. Unfortunately, these injuries were serious enough that she understood, and she was just gonna have to deal with it. She smiled and kissed his cheek. “Yup, he did. I know babe, it sucks.”

“I wanna go home so bad,” Andy said sadly. “I hate it here. I feel like I’ve been away forever.”

“I know,” she said, rubbing his cheek. “We’re gonna go home tomorrow. It’s Christmas in a couple weeks, remember? I actually planned on making our place look somewhat festive since you’ll be home right in time. Ron even cut down a real tree for us. It’s freaking huge.”

“That’s great, babe,” he said sleepily. “Can’t wait to see it.” He yawned, settling back into bed. 

“Yeah, Ron went into the woods with his own axe, and literally chopped down like five trees,” she stroked his arm. “I took Champion and we went to watch him. It was awesome. He kept one for his family. He gave one to us, and one to Tom, because he said he hated the fake silver tree Tom bought for himself. The other two I think he’s gonna use to decorate his office building. Really, I think he planned on giving one to Leslie and forgot that he’s not talking to her for some dumb reason.”

Andy closed his eyes, smiling as he listened to April. “Ron…man, I haven’t seen him in a while…”

“We’ll see him soon, I promise.”

“Yeah, cool…” He tilted his head to the side. “And Leslie and Ben, and Tom…”

“All of them, babe,” she let go of his hand and let it rest beside him.

“Love you.”

“Love you too,” she leaned over and kissed him gently on the lips, before settling in her chair to wait for him to wake up.

It’d been a week, and there was still no mention of their conversation before the accident. April kept trying to figure out if she should bring it up, or let Andy mention it first. That is, of course, if he even wanted to. She had no idea what he was thinking.

 

“April…”

She looked up from her book. Andy was finally stirring after sleeping for nearly four whole hours. Dr. Davis had come and gone, looking Andy over again and claiming he was “successfully recovering at a reasonable pace.” Right now, though, his eyes were still closed, but he seemed to be on the verge of another nightmare.

“April,” his face was screwed up, eyes shut tight, his mouth quivering slightly. “Don’t leave. I’m sorry, don’t go. Don’t leave, please…”

She darted forward, dropping the book and grabbing his hands as he twisted his body to the side. Sweat drenched his tee shirt and he was breathing fast.

“Andy, I’m here! You’re dreaming!” she shook him, wrapping both arms around his torso until she felt him stop moving and his breathing slow down. “Shhhh…”

“April?” his eyes opened, and he looked around the room. When he saw her there, he exhaled and brought his hand to his head. “Oh my God, babe, I am so sorry…I don’t get why this keeps happening…”

“It’s okay, it’s no problem,” she said, trying to stifle a huge yawn.

“C’mere,” he said, patting the side of the bed with his good arm.

“Andy…”

“No, really, I’m fine. Come over here and get some rest. You need it.”

April gave him a tiny smile before slipping off her shoes and climbing up next to him, snug against his right side. After a week of sleeping alone, missing his body, this felt like heaven. She felt better than she had in a long time. He was warm and smelled like home.

Andy pulled the sheets up around them as April squished herself against him, and Andy leaned his head against hers.

“This is so much better,” he said sleepily.

“Mmhm,” she responded, already half asleep.

“Just a few more hours until morning,” Andy said aloud, closing his eyes. “Then we can finally go home.”

 

“April,” he whispered her name in the quiet of the dark hospital room, nudging her ever so slightly. It was some ungodly hour in the middle of the night, and April groaned and tried to turn in her sleep, forgetting for a moment where she was. “April…”

“Hmm?” She tried to stretch, and when he arms met the resisting sides of the hospital cot, only then did she remember where they were and started to wake up. “Babe, everything good?” 

It was an awkward angle they were forced into. With Andy’s injuries, April couldn’t exactly lean into or on top of him, and Andy couldn’t turn over. She wondered if she was making this more uncomfortable for him being pressed up against him.

His voice was dry and scratchy when he spoke, but he just replied simply, “Yeah…I wanted to make sure you were still there.”

April craned her neck up to look at him. “Where else would I be?” She sat up a bit and felt his forehead. 

“What’re you doing?”

“Checking you for fever…”

“I think I’m good,” Andy replied, settling down again, ready to drift off. April could feel his steady heartbeat even from her side of the bed. He was warm, but not hot or sweaty enough that he was running a fever, and for that she was relieved. 

“You don’t ever have to worry about me going anywhere, by the way,” April told him drowsily, a few minutes later. She heard him take a deep breath in and out again, and she closed her eyes.

 

The morning arrived frigid and cloudy. April had Andy bundled up so well that you could barely see his head, which was a bit unnecessary, but she didn’t want to take any chances. He was packed and ready to finally head home, but before doing so they had one last check in with his doctor to go over a few last minute details.

“Like I mentioned, NO strenuous physical activity. One month. Remember that. I don’t want to see you back here because you hurt yourself. Most importantly, your head.”

“Got it,” Andy said dully.

“I know, it’s not the most fun in the world, but the alternative would have been much worse, don’t you agree, Andy?” the doctor said, raising his eyebrows at him.

“Yes…”

“Therapy starts in a few days. Here’s all the information you need. Someone will come to your house so you don’t have to be traveling all over the place. Anything happens, you call us and we’ll get you right in. I know you’re in good hands, though.” Dr. Davis glanced at April and gave her a nod.

“The best,” Andy responded.

The made their goodbyes, and at long last, Andy was going home.

 

“CHAMPION!” Andy called the dog happily when he opened the front door, and Champion ran toward him as fast as his three legs could carry him, tail wagging non-stop. “I missed you, buddy! I missed you so much!”

April tossed her bag down on the nearest surface and immediately began helping Andy unbundle himself from all the layers she forced him into. Being home even for a minute had already done wonders for him; he had a liveliness to his eyes that she hadn’t seen since before the accident.

“Babe, you wanna rest while I get some food ready?” She tossed the coats on the couch and helped him to sit down, working him out of his sneakers. 

“Only if you come with me,” he said with a yawn. “Super glad our house doesn’t have any stairs,” he added.

“Yeah, we lucked out,” she smiled. “Come on, let me help you.” 

It was odd seeing Andy using the crutches again. It brought her back to a time that felt like it was just yesterday, and she didn’t know how she felt about it. That was back when he was with Ann, and she didn’t like to think about that. That was also when they first met, so in a weird, double-sided way it wasn’t all bad.

She eased him onto their bed, carefully lifting his bad leg up. Once she made sure he was comfortable, she climbed up beside him.

“Feeling good?”

“Mmhm,” he said.

“Hungry?”

“Nah, not really,” Andy tugged at her sleeve and April rested against his chest.

“Well, let me know, okay? Promise you’ll tell me if you need something?”

“Promise.”

A few minutes passed in silence, neither of them speaking. Champion joined them after a while, jumping up and laying across the foot of the bed.

“Andy?”

“What’s up?”

“About…that conversation we had, you know, the night before…” 

“Oh…yeah, that,” he said quietly. “What about it?”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, not looking at him.

“For what?”

“For the way I spoke to you…and just…everything.”

Andy sighed and pulled her closer, ignoring the obvious twinge of pain in his ribs as he adjusted himself. “It’s fine.”

“But—“

“Listen,” he said, cutting her off, which he rarely did. April was slightly taken aback, so she stopped and waited. “I’d rather have you, and only you, forever, for the rest of our lives than nothing at all,” he said finally. “We’re a family right here. I almost died, April. The car literally almost killed me. But I survived, so…I think that’s saying something about…I dunno…what’s meant to be.”

She looked at him for a long time, not saying anything. Andy wasn’t one for lengthy conversations of this caliber, but she listened all the same.

“As long as you don’t mind if I check back with you every once in a while to see if you change your mind. I think that’s only fair,” he added, with a small chuckle.

April nodded. “Seems fair to me.”

“Awesome,” he yawned. “So…wanna take a nap with me?”

“Duh,” she replied, pulling the blanket around them.

 

“Okay guys, go give Uncle Andy a big hug, but gently!” Leslie yelled, almost immediately as April opened the front door, three days after Andy returned home.

The triplets ran like a colorful blur; Sonia, Wesley and Stephen each trying to get to Andy first and wrap their tiny arms around him. Andy roared with laugher as they came at him, scooping Sonia up in one arm as the boys jumped onto the couch next to him.

“Hey you monkeys,” Andy said happily. “I missed you guys!”

“We draw on your leg, Uncle Andy?” Sonia asked in a quiet voice, pointing at the clean cast on Andy’s leg.

“Of course you can! I was hoping you’d ask, so I got some markers for you,” he said, handing them a shiny new box that the triplets tore open, immediately taking one or two colors each to Andy’s cast.

“You feeling better, man?” Ben asked, pulling up a chair next to his children as they worked furiously with the markers. 

Andy nodded, resting back against the couch. “Dude, I’m just so glad to be back home again,” he said, watching the kids with bright eyes. “I hated being in that hospital.”

“I brought you guys some comfort food,” Leslie said, opening a huge insulated bag and pulling out tupperware after tupperware of goodies. “Lasagne, chicken, meatballs…” She continued to dig around. “A hah! Cookies—three different kinds, in case you were wondering.”

“Leslie, that’s awesome! Thank you!” Andy said, as Leslie handed him the container filled with peanut butter chocolate chip.

“I figured the less you had to cook, the better. So, how’s everything going?” Leslie turned to April and smiled. 

“Fine,” April said truthfully. “Andy’s first therapy went well…some woman came over and helped him with his leg…mostly just introductory stuff, you know.” April shrugged. “Ron’s bringing the Christmas tree over tonight.”

Leslie frowned. “What time’s the big jerk—”

“Don’t worry, it’s after you guys leave, jeez…” April shook her head. “Get over it, already.”

“April, you don’t get it. You can’t possibly understand why he’s the worst person ever.”

“Whatever, Leslie…you’re both being dumb.” 

“Babe!” Andy called April, gesturing for her to come take a look. 

April glanced over, and Andy’s leg was a colorful concoction of shapes, swirls and dots. Here and there was a random scribble that she assumed was a letter.

“Wow guys, great job,” she said with a genuine smile. “I think I’ll call you three to decorate the spare room upstairs sometime, you’re so good!”

“I think that’s enough, kids,” Ben said gently. “You haven’t left him much room.”

“No, really, it’s no problem Ben!” Andy shook his head. “Let them do it…the cast was boring anyway.”

April studied Andy’s face as he watched at the triplets. He couldn’t hide the longing in his eyes, watching the three of them laugh as they jabbered at him in their toddler language and giggle nonsensical things to each other. Feeling a pang of guilt, it made her turn away and head into the kitchen.

Ben watched her go and looked at Leslie, who took the cue immediately and followed April. Once they were out of sight, Ben turned to Andy and spoke in a low voice.

“So, Andy, everything…all right with you and April?”

Andy pulled his hand off his cast, where a second before, Stephen had been tracing it with a marker.

“Yeah, of course,” Andy nodded. “Why wouldn’t we be?”

“Oh, no, nothing,” Ben held his hand up defensively. “I was just asking because…you know, it was really hard on her at the hospital and everything. She was saying some pretty strange things, and—“

“Like what?” Andy stopped watching the triplets and was now giving Ben his undivided attention, which was rare. His face was completely serious, not even flinching when Sonia pulled at his sleeve to get his attention again. 

“Uh,” Ben looked uncomfortable now. “She was just asking me some weird questions. I don’t know, man. She was just asking me what I would do if it was me in her situation and Leslie…you know. I don’t really wanna talk about it on front of the kids.”

“No, I get it,” Andy replied quietly. He glanced at the doorway to the kitchen where April and Leslie disappeared. “What did she do while she was waiting?”

“Cried mostly, and didn’t talk to anyone. Well, except Leslie after a while. She seems to be the only one who can break through to April when you’re not around.”

 

“Hey,” April heard Leslie’s voice as she pretended to look for something in the drawer beside the stove.

“Hey,” April responded, not looking up.

“Need a hand?”

“No, just, looking for…something,” she replied. She searched to find an object that she could use as an excuse, but came up empty. 

“April…”

“What?” she spun around, her eyes glistening.

Leslie watched her sadly and looked around the room for something to talk about. When she couldn’t find anything, she shrugged. “You wanna talk about it?”

“Not really,” April crossed her arms.

“April…”

April looked down at the floor, and when she looked up again there were real tears in her eyes. “Am I a bad person, Leslie? Does this make me a bad person?”

“April, of course not,” Leslie said, shaking her head. “It makes you a completely normal person who wants to make sure she’s not going to make any mistakes that she’s going to regret.”

“I was so sure about marrying Andy. Why am I not sure about _this?”_

“There’s gonna be a time when you know for sure. Whether the answer is yes, or no, there’s gonna be a time. I don’t think this is it.”

April nodded slowly.

“It doesn’t make you any better or worse than Andy.”

“Right,” April said softly. She sniffed and wiped at her eyes.

“Mommy!” Wesley called from the living room. Leslie turned her head in the direction of her son’s voice, then back to April. 

“You good?”

“Yeah…I think so.”

Leslie reached out and took April’s hand, leading her back into the living room to join the others.


	6. Only You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess this chapter could be rated "explicit" ?   
> I don't know, you tell me! I've never had to do this before! Just enjoy, because it gets emotional.

Another week gone, and the house was fully decorated for the holidays. April couldn’t believe it whenever she looked around. She wasn’t exactly one for festive decorating unless it was for Halloween. It seemed to be cheering Andy up, though, so she was more than happy to oblige. He’d been feeling down lately and wouldn’t give a specific reason why, just claiming he was tired, and that he was sick of wearing a cast on his leg.

The nightmares had been contained for the moment; the pills his doctor had given him seemed to be doing the trick. Actually, they’d been putting him into such a deep sleep that April had a hard time getting him up in the morning for therapy. It was slightly reminiscent of his jet-lagged London days, and it bummed her out. She refused to say anything about it though, because they were helping him and that was the most important thing.

Bathing him had been a new type of nuisance in itself. April had no problem with it, but it was a bit of a process giving a grown man of Andy’s size a proper sponge bath in their tiny bathroom while avoiding his cast and bandages. Frankly, all it did was make him more frustrated that he couldn’t act on his (very) obvious physical reactions to her hands trying to scrub him clean.

So it was with some relief that the two of them found themselves in the living room, April having put the last of the tree ornaments up—which Leslie purchased for them when she found out they had “no proper bulbs or garland”—tired and ready to wind down.

“Honey, this looks awesome,” Andy said from his spot on the couch.

“I can’t believe we actually have a real one this year,” April said. Looking up at the tall tree, she realized it nearly touched the ceiling of the living room. It’d looked so much smaller to her when Ron was dragging it to the back of his pick up truck. “Let’s take a break from the decorating for a bit,” she added, joining him on the couch.

“The tree looks good, babe. I don’t think it needs anything else,” Andy agreed. “The house looks more festive than I’ve ever seen it.”

April reached up to curl some of his hair around her finger, her eyes scanning the decorated cast on Andy’s leg.

“Those kids did a number on you,” she said with a smile. “Every time I look at it, it looks like there’s more scribbles.”

“I love it,” Andy nodded. “Hey, you think they had a good time last week? They sorta rushed out toward the end.”

“Oh, that was because Leslie didn’t want to run into Ron…” April scoffed. “I’m kinda glad he came over, or they’d never have left. No offense to them, but since I’ve had you home this past week I’ve barely had you to myself.”

“I know,” Andy pouted. April was right. If his physical therapist wasn’t coming over, it was one of their friends or family coming to see Andy, bringing him food, or staying to chat for far too long.

Some of them were more welcome than others. Ron, Diane and their children stayed just long enough for a quick chat before departing, but not without leaving enough frozen steak for Andy and April to eat comfortably for a week. Tom and Donna had dropped by as well, bringing unnecessary and expensive gifts. Tom gave Andy a brand new, strangely patterned, ridiculously soft blanket that April immediately made fun of for being “stupid-looking,” while Donna brought pricy, high-end chocolates that lasted about three minutes before Andy devoured them. April’s parents had also visited with Natalie, fussing over their “Zuzu” and son-in-law and making them promise to call more. Finally Andy’s mother and all his brothers joined them one evening, all of them taller than Andy and taking up so much space in the living room that April started to feel claustrophobic. 

Now tonight, after long last, it was just the two of them and Champion.

“What should we do?” April leaned into her husband, rubbing her nose against his cheek and planting a kiss there. Andy turned enough to catch her lips with his own. April returned the kiss willingly, wrapping her hand around his head. It felt so damn _good_ to be this close to him again. After a few moments, Andy stopped when he began to shift his chest toward her.

“I could tell you what I wanna do, but apparently I’ll knock myself out or something,” Andy said glumly, breaking away from her.

April sighed and rested her head on his shoulder, silently staring at the colorful strands of lights strung around the tree. “Few more weeks,” she muttered.

“Longest month of my life,” Andy mumbled. 

“Andy, you can’t over exert yourself, or whatever the doctor said…I’d rather have awesome sex with you later than potentially send you back to the hospital, okay?” April looked up at him and he nodded, although he still looked miserable. 

There were several other ways they’d tried to keep themselves satisfied, but nothing was as good as the real thing. April found herself getting more and more frustrated lately, and even Andy was grumpier than she’d ever seen him when he got into a weird mood.

“Do you wanna watch a movie?” April suggested, trying to break the tension.

“Sure,” Andy said, sounding uninterested.

“And not that dumb movie Ben let you borrow…I’m not in the mood for his weird sci-fi fetish…”

Andy shifted in his seat and began to tap his fingers on his cast, making dull pitter pattering sounds.

April flipped on the TV, browsing the selections. They sat in silence for a while until Andy spoke up again, addressing her in a low voice.

“Hey…can I ask you something?”

“Of course you can,” April replied, not looking at him, focusing instead on the channels.

“Would you want a kid if you were married to someone else?”

The question took her by complete surprise, so much so that she turned off the TV before responding.

“Andy…what kind of question is that?” She looked at him, and he looked sad all of a sudden. “Where did that come from?”

“I just…wonder if you don’t wanna have a kid with me, because maybe you don’t think I’m like, dad material or something. Maybe I’m not smart enough, or I don’t have a good enough job. I dunno, I’m just asking…Ben said you were asking him all these questions while I was in the hospital…”

“Andy, that was probably the stupidest thing you’ve ever said to me…probably to anyone, and it’s completely untrue.”

His eyes were suddenly wet, and he tried his best to keep them focused down on the floor instead of on her. “Then please April, just tell me, and I promise I won’t bring it up again. Why don’t you wanna have kids? What is it? Because it’s kinda driving me crazy that I don’t know, and I can’t take these _‘I just don’t’_ answers. That’s not an answer…”

April opened her mouth and closed it again, feeling uncomfortable. She shook her head. “Andy, seriously?”

“Yes, seriously!”

“You wanna know why?” she said, her eyes watering and matching his. “You wanna know why I don’t want kids? Because I’ll screw them up, that’s why! Because you’re so good and optimistic and perfect and I’m not like you in those ways. I’m not mom material, I don’t know how to take care of a kid, or teach them how to live life—“

“I’ve seen you with the triplets, you’re so good with them—“

“They’re not mine! I can give them _back!”_ she yelled, holding her hand out as she spoke. “Andy, I’m terrified of the idea of it. When you were in the hospital, I actually called my MOTHER in the middle of the night. Because I was scared. I don’t even have that close of a relationship with my own parents, and the one time I call is because you got hurt…I can’t be a good mom if I don’t even know how to have a relationship with my own.”

“April—” Andy said, shaking his head.

“No, you don’t get it, Andy! I don’t want kids with _anyone_ else. I want you and only you. When you gave Ben that note to give to me, it destroyed me. You told me to move on, find someone else, be happy. That would’ve never happened! I was never going to do that! You wanna know what I was thinking about while I was talking to Ben? Do you know what I wanted to do if you…if you…” She stopped short, tears leaking out of her eyes and breathing fast. She didn’t want to continue…she’d said too much. Andy looked at her nervously.

“If I what?” he asked her slowly, concern reading all over his face.

“If you died,” she said in a soft voice.

“What?” Andy looked legitimately scared now. He turned to face her as best he could and took her hand. She flinched and immediately pulled it away. “April, _tell_ me. You wanted to do what?”

“I…wanted to die too,” she said finally, rolling her lips and looking everywhere but at him.

Andy looked at her in horrified disbelief before pulling her into him, tight against his body. She started to cry as he held her, ignoring the protesting pain in his ribs and the ache from his shoulder. He held her as she hid her face in his chest, unsure where he should begin but so horrified that she’d even arrived at that scenario in her own head.

“How could you possibly think something like that?” Andy whispered, his voice full of genuine sadness. “You—you’re…” He started to rub her back as she sobbed. “Don’t _ever_ think like that.”

April pressed her face against him harder. She couldn’t even bring herself to look at him. How pathetic she felt at that moment, like she failed him in so many ways. _“This is the person he wants to have a child with,”_ she thought bitterly. 

“April, look at me,” he pleaded. “Honey, please…” He tried to pull away from her for a moment to look her in the eyes, but she was latched onto him so tightly she wouldn’t budge, only shook her head no. “Okay,” he said finally. “We can stay like this.” Wrapping his arms around her, he leaned back against the couch, rubbing her back in small, slow circles. April could hear him sniffing, trying to hold back his own obvious hurt at what she’d told him.

The minutes passed by, April’s sobs eventually slowing to occasional whimpers. Andy continued to hold her, his eyes sad and his mouth a thin line.

“Babe,” Andy tried to pull her away again to look at her face. This time, she gave in. She looked up at him, feeling miserable and pathetic. The corner of his mouth turned up in the tiniest smile as he made eye contact, before his face fell again. “Hey,” he said softly.

“I’m so sorry,” she choked out, gulping the air. “I just—I just, I’m the worst…I’m—“

Andy stopped her by leaning forward and crashing his mouth to hers, holding her steady with gentle hands on either side of her head. April tensed up immediately, caught off guard. She wasn’t expecting this. She honestly didn’t even know why he wanted anything to do with her at the moment. Sensing her restraint, Andy pulled away, breathing hard.

“I love you,” he said, his chest rising and falling against hers. “Don’t ever…don’t you ever think like that again. And if you do, you come to me first.”

She stared back a him, wiping the tears out of her eyes and letting out a shuddering sigh, nodding her head slowly. Andy leaned forward and kissed her again. His mouth moved slowly, his lips gentle and soft against hers. After a moment he broke away.

“You want me to stop?” he asked, his eyes full of love and concern, and a tiny bit of fear.

“No,” she shook her head, her voice scratchy. This time it was April who leaned in and kissed him, opening her mouth against his, missing feeling him like this. Andy brought his hand to her face, stroking her cheek with his thumb to wipe away tears, while she guided his other hand to her breast where it rested there, gently cupping her.

April let out a soft moan, reaching her own hands carefully up his shirt to run them over his chest, her fingers sliding over the cuts and bruises on his ribcage. Andy responded by trying to pull his shirt off, struggling when his hurt shoulder resisted. Still kissing him, moving her mouth down his neck, April helped pull the tee shirt up and over his head, before pulling her own off and tossing it on the floor. She thought for a minute about the implications this could have on Andy, about the doctor’s warning and his healing injuries, and she panicked. She wanted him so bad, but she wanted him to remain in good health even more.

“Babe—Andy,” she breathed. He stopped and looked at her, his green eyes dark and filled with longing. “We can’t. You’re hurt.”

“April, no, I’m fine,” he replied, his mouth brushing against her collarbone. “We can. Please, just trust me to know what my own body can handle.”

She responded by sitting up straighter, only to slip off her pajama bottoms and panties. Andy’s eyes traveled down her body, breathing faster all the while. April reached down to help him out of his own sweatpants and underwear, freeing him just enough that they came to the top of his cast. She saw right away that he was more than ready for her, and gave him a tiny smile. With a quick but careful movement, she straddled his hips and slowly lowered herself onto him.

Andy groaned loudly as April let out a short exhale, gathering herself mentally from the rush of immediate pleasure and fullness she felt in that moment. After a few seconds, she started to move, gently riding him as she wrapped her arms around his neck and brought her mouth to his.

He kissed her hungrily, trying the best he could to thrust and meet her halfway, as she was doing most of the work. After a moment, she clasped the sides of his head and gently shook hers.

“Let me,” she gasped, as she rolled her hips down onto him.

“I— _fuck_ —April, I love you so fucking much,” he breathed out against her lips. “Don’t—don’t ever think— _ugh_ —shit, I’m not gonna last,” he warned her. “Don’t ever think about…about that other stuff again.”

“Shhh,” she pushed into his mouth with her tongue and cut him off, feeling her own release building much sooner than she thought it would. Two weeks without Andy’s body loving hers like this, and now making her feel more alive than she’d felt in so long…she wasn’t entirely surprised.

“April,” he said her name, warning her, and she knew he was close too. He bit down hard on her neck, right under her ear, and the sensation sent her over the edge.

She pressed her chest against his as she felt her body shake around him, clenching her legs at his hips and pressing her face into his neck. 

“Babe,” he whispered, as she breathed through her orgasm. “April…I’m…”

She shook her head and kissed him hard. She wasn’t going anywhere. She knew this wasn’t exactly the safest bet, especially regarding her fears, but she didn’t care. She wanted him, and all of him, right now. A moment later, she felt him slow to a shuddering halt inside her, and his release a few seconds later as he groaned out her name—and some other things she couldn’t hear—one more time.

Andy was breathing fast, leaning back against the couch cushion with his eyes closed. April enjoyed the feeling of the both of them joined together for just a moment, and then climbed off him. She felt his head, then his pulse, checking to make sure he was all right and not in agonizing pain from what they’d just done.

“Andy, you OK?”

He nodded quickly, opening his eyes to look at her.

“You hurting anywhere?”

“No,” he gasped out. “No…I’m fine.”

She smiled at him briefly, before reaching down to help him hoist his sweatpants back up. She figured they’d clean up later. She saw Tom’s blanket on the chair and grabbed it, wrapping it around the both of them. It was dumb-looking, but _extremely_ soft and comfortable. And now probably dirty, but whatever.

“I love you so much,” she said a few minutes later, resting her head against his shoulder.

“I love you too, babe.” He groaned and held his chest with his hand. “Hey…um, can you grab me one of those pain pills? I think I need one…”

“Yeah of course, hang on…” April looked at him nervously, and ran to the cupboard to grab him one of his painkillers and a glass of water. He downed them both immediately and leaned back again. “Good?”

“Good.”

“Andy, was that a bad idea?” she asked him, feeling guilty for letting herself get carried away like that. 

“Worth it,” he mumbled, smiling.

She took one of his hands, rubbing his fingers with her own. “I don’t want anyone but you,” she said quietly. “No one else, just you, for the rest of our lives.”

“That’s good, because that’s what I want too,” he said quickly.

“I promise I won’t ever…think like _that_ again.”

“April, if that ever happens, you just talk to me, or Leslie…or Ron, you know? We all love you so much. But, not as much as me,” he added seriously.

“I know,” she kissed his cheek and sighed. 

Andy smiled at her, and it was the first time he’d looked happy all night. He tried to swing his legs up onto the couch, making it halfway before April reached down to help the rest of him up. He pressed his head back into the pillows and looked relaxed.

“Babe,” he patted his chest, his eyes droopy.

April obliged, and carefully positioned herself between the back of the couch and his arm, slinging her own arm across his chest and covering them with the blanket.

“Oh…I forgot to grab one of your sleep pills,” she said, lifting her head up.

“Nah, I’m good,” Andy whispered, rubbing her shoulder in gentle circles.

“But, you’ll have those dreams if you don’t…I just thought you might wanna get a full night’s sleep after this.”

“I don’t think I’ll need those anymore,” he replied. “because I don’t think I’ll have those nightmares ever again.”

April smiled and buried her face in his bare chest, snuggling up under the warm blanket. She ran her fingers up the center of his torso, tracing his neck and jaw, all the way up his ear. She thought of where she was two weeks ago, when she received that horrible phone call. How she was so close to losing him, how all this could just _not_ exist if things had turned out just a bit differently. This time, she didn’t let those thoughts take root. Andy was here with her, and that’s where he’d always be. She’d never leave him. As she felt herself nodding off, she thought that maybe someday, _someday_ she might just want a baby. Right now they had each other, and that’s all they needed. 

Together, they drifted off to sleep, entwined like they always used to be. Neither of them had ever slept so well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look out for final "epilogue" chapter soon to come!


	7. Epilogue

_Spring 2023_

“Ben! They’re here, can you get the door?” Leslie shouted frantically, setting the final dishes down at the dining room table. She gave the room a quick appraisal. Leslie had never been one for proper place settings or fancy meals, but she knew how to cook, and cook well, so what did it really matter if the forks were on the wrong side or the spoons were too big? Especially to friends like Andy and April. 

The sounds of voices could be heard from the doorway, greetings and small talk being exchanged as Ben led their guests to the living room. Leslie put one final fork in its place before hurrying out to join Ben.

“Hey guys!” Leslie smiled, running forward to hug April, then turning to catch Andy in a tight embrace. “You two look great! So good to see you!”

“Thanks Leslie, you too!” Andy said happily, leading his wife over to the sofa and unnecessarily helping her to sit down.

Ben pointed to each of them. “Drinks guys? Wine? Beer? What’ll you have?”

“I’ll have a beer,” Andy replied, looking at April quickly and turning away with a tiny smile. Leslie noticed he had a funny expression on his face, like he wanted to say something else but couldn’t.

“April?”

“Just water’s good,” she said, turning to give Andy a stern but playful look, and a quick peck on the cheek.

Ben nodded and disappeared into the kitchen. Leslie took the chair across from them and put her hands in her lap. 

“So…what have you guys been up to? I feel like we haven’t seen you in ages.”

“Oh, you know…work,” April shrugged. She looked at Andy and grinned. “Andy has been thinking of some awesome new job ideas, though. Tell her, babe.”

“Yeah,” Andy nodded. “I’ve actually been thinking about starting up my own recording studio.”

“Andy, that’s a fantastic idea!” Leslie exclaimed, honestly happy for her friend. “I love it!”

“Yeah, there’s this studio space not far of a drive from our house, so I’m going to check it out on Monday.” He looked happily at April, taking one of her hands in his own.

Ben returned with the drinks, handing Andy and April their selections and choosing some wine for Leslie and himself.

“Ron and Diane should be here soon,” he said, checking his watch. “Ron called a little while ago to let us know they just checked into their hotel room and are about to drive over.”

“Great,” Andy nodded.

Leslie glanced at April. She looked…and Leslie wasn’t exactly sure how to describe it… _wonderful._ She had a liveliness to her that wasn’t usually there, and she looked radiant in the simple spring dress she was wearing. Her eyes traveled to April’s face. There was a happiness reflected back at her that made Leslie feel so relieved. She didn’t know how else to explain it. She watched as Andy leaned over and kissed his wife’s forehead, April leaning into him.

“April, what else is new?” Leslie asked, trying to get to the bottom of it all. 

“Yeah, how’s everything…you know…going?” Ben looked quickly from Andy to April and shrugged. Leslie knew he was thinking of one of the last serious conversations they’d had with the two of them, taking place this past Halloween… 

April looked at Andy and gave him a tiny nod. He smiled back at her, his face ecstatic.

“Actually, guys,” April began. “There’s something Andy and I wanted to tell—“

“Oh, God,” Leslie blurted out, feeling herself getting overwhelmed with happy emotions, her eyes watering instantly. 

“Babe, what?” Ben looked at her quizzically. “You didn’t even let them finish.”

“Nothing, nothing,” Leslie shook her head. She took a deep breath and gestured for her friends to continue. Could this be what she thought it was? God, she hoped so.

“We—Andy and I—we’re—” April started. 

“We’re having a _BABY!”_ Andy blurted out next to her, unable to contain himself any longer, wrapping his arm around her waist.

“Andy!” April smacked his shoulder playfully. “You said I could tell them.” Leslie noticed April was smiling and looked anything but mad.

“Oh, my _GOD,”_ Leslie stood up, shoving her wine glass into her husband’s hand, and ran forward to embrace her friend. “I knew it, I just _knew_ it.” She could feel the happy tears coming down her cheeks. “I’m so, so happy for you guys!”

April slowly returned the embrace, laughing a little. “Okay Leslie, don’t get all weird about it…”

“Can’t help it,” Leslie replied.

“Isn’t it _awesome?”_ Andy said, excitement emanating from his entire being. They’d never seen Andy so giddy.

Ben put the glasses down and reached out to give Andy a hug. “Congratulations, you guys! This is amazing news! We’re thrilled for you.”

Leslie let go of April and turned to Andy, squeezing the giant man with all her might. Andy was no stranger to tight hugs, so he returned it happily.

“Thanks guys!” Andy said excitedly. “This is the most amazing thing ever…we’re super excited!”

“When are you due?” Leslie asked, wiping her eyes with her palm and turning to April.

“November,” April replied, and Leslie watched her place a hand on her tiny belly. Now that she was looking, she noticed the smallest of baby bumps pushing against the fabric of the dress.

“That’s amazing, I can’t wait! I knew you looked different when you came in here, April,” Leslie smiled.

“She looks beautiful,” Andy added, staring at his wife with all the love and admiration in the world. 

“How do you feel?”

“Pretty good,” April replied, sipping her water. “I guess the usual pregnant stuff…you know, puking, nausea, stuff like that, and I’m more tired and hungry than I’ve ever been.”

“Totally normal,” Leslie nodded at her. “Oh, I have so many baby books I can give you. I should go dig them up…”

“Well, if you guys need anything at all, just ask us,” Ben interjected. “We have a ton of baby stuff, and I mean a _ton._ We had three at once, remember?” Ben smiled at them.

Leslie suddenly remembered something she’d been saving and stood up quickly.

“Babe, what’re you doing?” Ben looked into the kitchen. “Time to sit down already?”

“No, no…Ron and Diane aren’t here yet,” Leslie waved at him impatiently, then reached out for April’s hand. “Come with me, April. I have something for you.”

April stood up and shrugged at Andy, looking confused, before following Leslie into the study down the hall. 

“We’ll be right back!” Leslie called over her shoulder. 

She knew this day would come, although she wasn’t entirely sure when. Now here she was, it was actually happening, and Leslie couldn’t have been prouder of her friend. She opened a closet and pulled out a tiny package wrapped in pale yellow paper. It was light, and the paper was a bit worn, but she handed it to April all the same.

April took the package and looked at Leslie. “What’s this?”

“It’s for you and Andy. Open it.”

April glanced at Leslie and slowly tore the wrapping off. She pulled the little piece of black fabric out, watching it unroll. Leslie saw April’s eyes go wide, and not long after, they began to shine with tears.

It was a tiny black baby onesie, made for a newborn. Right in the center was the Mouse Rat logo, from way back in the day when Andy’s band was still going strong. Leslie remembered taking one of the shirts from the first rock show she’d attended, even though she only caught the very end of it.

“When did you make this?” April asked, her voice catching. “We literally just told you…”

“This past Halloween, right after you guys left,” Leslie replied. “I dug up the shirt and traced the pattern that very night, and the next day I started to work on it.”

“I wasn’t even sure what I wanted to do yet, though,” April put the onesie down and bit her lip. “I hadn’t even made a decision.”

“Yes, you had,” Leslie replied, feeling her eyes welling up again. “I knew you had. I’m so proud of the woman you’ve become, April. I’m lucky to have been able to watch you grow all these years. I want you to know that, even if you don’t like to hear it.”

This time it was April who darted forward and hugged her friend. April wasn’t usually one to rush forward to hug anyone, but she looked too emotional to care at the moment. Leslie smiled, and wrapped her arms tight around her.

“Leslie, I—“

“I know, April,” Leslie nodded, smiling. “Believe me, I know.”

_THE END_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading!! I hope you enjoyed!


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